In my defense, it was my secret to living for so long!

You threatened to kill my love interest!

In my defense, it was the only way to motivate you!

You put my dog in a tar pit!

In my defence, I am completely crazy.
Wibble...

You destroyed my car!!

In my defense, it had a demon in it.
DIDN'T YOU SEE THE DEMON? IT HAD A GOAT HEAD.

You tried to perform an exorcism on me!

In my defence, you seem like you need one...

You escaped and took my head with you!

In my defense, holy crap I was going to put that earlier... Did I?

You killed Noel Gallagher!

In my defense, I didn't know who that was, and he was in the way of my speeding tank.
No way was I stopping.

You beat a mother with her child!

In my defence, the mother was a poor one.
And beat her child with smaller kids.

You started WW 3!!

In my defense, how would I know that giving a bad look to a Palsetinian while in Israel would start a war?!

You destroyed all good music and left us with popular music sung by crappy teens!

In my defence, I wanted to be killed by everyone.

You put an evil monkey in my closet!

In my defense, you had a bunch of snakes under your bed, so the closet was the only place left.

You took all my checks!

In my defence, they were all filled out apart from the amount.

You got me arrested!

In my defense, you stole my car. You deserved it.

You stabbed me with a turning fork!

In my defense, I think you mean tuning fork.

You turned vampires into emo bitches

In my defence, I blame emo crabs for infecting them.

You assassinated an Arch Duke!

In my defense, World Wars are fun

You killed Chuck Norris!

In my defense, I was tired of the jokes.

You created all the jokes about Chuck Norris.

In my defense some of them are funny

You destroyed an entire civillization

In my defense, the entire civilization was made up of douchebags.

You let sunlight into my room!

In my defense, you're as pale as a fucking ghost.

You stole all the gold from Ft. Knox

In my defense, they were never going to use it, and I had a house to gold plate.

You accused me of being a jackass in public!

In my defense, I could have done it on national TV.

You took over... THE ENTIRE WORLD!

In my defense, now PETA is outlawed.

You are a member of PETA!

In my defense, we get to use naked top models in publicity stunts.

You stole my computer.

In my defense, you were using it to watch five hours of porn every day!

You destroyed the recipe for every kind of brownie!

In my defense, they traumatized me when I was little.

You destroyed cake!

In my defense, now it really is a lie.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, INTERNET?

You killed Olivia Munn!

In my defense, she wouldn't date me.

You convinced Olivia Munn to turn me down.

In my defense, you don't deserve her!

You danced around on a midget's skull!

In my defence, git deserved it.
He bit my ankle.

You bit my elbow.

In my defense, it tasted like chicken.

You... taste like chicken.

In my defence, I am a chicken.
Weird, huh?

You taste like leather.

In my defense, I am an ox.

You turned me into an ox.

In my defence, that book of spells was a good read.

You stole my book of magic.

In my defense, you used it to turn me into a fucking ox.

You curse too much.